Marry Myself A Little

vintage 1940s but a dream lace dress, vintage 1950s sweetest thing lace wedding dress from dear golden vintage on etsy

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to get married to the "perfect guy" and have three children, one of each (Note: Love and Death reference). No, I'm kidding. Two children, a boy and girl. But after a series of unfortunate events, I've learned that love and relationships aren't what I thought they would be. Amidst my last relationship, I saw (500) Days of Summer and it never occurred to me that a few months later and then a year later again, I'd ended up being Tom Hansen and Nancy.

I'm watching (500) Days of Summer now and I'm finally understanding what relationships and love are all about. From the very start, Summer made it clear that she didn't want anything serious. But somehow she got into the relationship with Tom and they were acting like a couple. Then she got bored and "shit on Tom's face, literally", well not literally. It really takes two to tango and I guess that's why the relationship didn't work out for them. Tom was head over heels in love with Summer and Summer went along with it, but never really felt the same way about him. Seriously... what is love? I'm starting to feel the same way about love and relationships, freedom and independence. Summer said that "she doesn't want a boyfriend and she wants to be free and independent, doesn't feel comfortable being anyone's anything, she likes being alone, we're young, might as well has fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later." Then Tom asks her "What happens if you fall in love?" and Summer says "You don't believe that, do you? There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy."

A few months back, you could say I was 100% Tom Hansen. I really truly believed in love and marriage, but now I guess I'm trapped between Tom and Summer. I want to believe in love, but at the same time, I should just have fun, be free and independent and save the serious stuff for later. Falling in love? Well... who knows when that will ever happen again? If anything, I can still get married... to whom you ask? To myself. Like some character in Glee (I don't watch Glee) and apparently, January Jones wants to marry herself too, after her break up with Jason Sudeikis. Although, we have completely different reasons. January Jones said she can't commit, she doesn't have a type, she's all over the place. Well, I'm the complete opposite: I want to commit, I have a type and I want consistency, at least in terms of a relationship.

I want to believe in love, but I must remember love has the potential to turn around in slap you in the face or shit all over your face or as Gaga said, "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams, If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you any more." and "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina." Well now that she's dating the ex that doubted her, I don't know how valid both quotes are anymore. But it's true. Because we all have the ability to fall in love and fall out of love just as easily, despite the vows some people make. It's just the reality. Marriage is no longer sacred and love is just some fantasy. I guess if I "fall in love" sometime soon, I must remind myself that love is temporary, no relationship is permanent... at least, most relationships aren't. Truthfully, I don't want to pick a career over relationship or vice versa, I want both, I want it all.

Even though I'm starting to feel unsure about marriage to the opposite gender, I'm all about marrying myself and spending hours looking at beautiful dresses and flowers. I hope in the next year, I'll have a job that pays me well enough and for my 24th birthday (which will be my golden birthday), I want to throw a birthday party/wedding to myself. Even though my belief in marriage is fading rapidly, it doesn't mean I can't have a wedding reception for myself. A beautiful outdoor party, under the starry night sky, under a marquee or maybe even a barn and Christmas lights, blush pink peonies and chartreuse roses (in love with green flowers right now) and café au lait spray roses, rustic wooden chairs, candles and macarons. Well, I'll just keep my fingers crossed, I hope I find a good-ish job and I'll save up money and plan my ultimate birthday celebration/wedding to myself. Who knows if I'll ever get married for real? If I don't, then I'll miss out on planning a wedding altogether, so 24th birthday celebration, here I come!

I don't care if I ever get married, I just want to wear a pretty dress, a floral wreath à la Louise Brooks, be surrounded by peonies and celebrate life with my family and friends. I'm getting married to myself. Save the date! Wednesday, October 24th, 2012 (subject to change)!