XXVII

"As you are not experienced in the things of the world, all the things that have some difficulty will seem impossible. Trust in time, which will offer sweet solutions to many sour difficulties." ― Don Quixote

Birthdays are usually a cause for celebration. When you hear the word "birthday", you immediately cheer and squeal for that person. I never felt compelled to celebrate throughout the week, but I know some people are very serious about their birthdays. It's not because I have an aversion to aging, I just never thought it's a special thing, since everyone has a birthday. But this year I felt different. This year is when things really changed for me. I've been seeing the world through a new lens: a lens of gratitude for my existence. 

I've always been a grateful person, but it wasn't as acutely aware as it is now. Every second of the day, I see things that remind me that I am alive and I need to take life seriously. It can get exhausting to live in constant gratitude, because that gratitude evolves into fear. Because life is short. Fear of life, death, uncertainty, pain, loss, suffering, etc. Now I need to balance this level of awareness with lighthearted joys and pleasures of life. When I'm aware of this feeling of gratitude, I question everything in life. I guess that's why I'm on a quest to search for #whyislifeworthliving. 

I'm aware of the horrors in the world. I'm aware of the pain and suffering that is happening around us, but that's a reminder to me that I need to live life as a kind and giving human being. Sometimes we forget that we're on this planet with other people. We become selfish and self involved and I don't want to be that person. I don't want drama in my life, I don't want conflict or hatred or negativity, because I don't want to put any negative energy into the world. I just want to give back positivity and optimism; that is my number one priority in life.

Now why is life worth living? Because this is my chance. I don't know how or why I'm here, but I acknowledge that I am a privileged human being. Life is a privilege. I just want to be healthy, happy and safe and I wish that upon others, friends and strangers. We're all here together. How do we make life worthwhile? Let's start with treating each other with a little more kindness, acceptance, compassion and understanding. Smile and acknowledge each other's similarities and differences. We're all alive. We're all human. We live on this beautiful planet Earth in the middle of our Solar System, in a dot in this grand universe. How are we here? How can we live inspiring and fulfilling lives? How do we make it count?

This year, I've learned to really accept myself for who I am. Admittedly, I'm still struggling to find my place and my voice in the world, but I've learned to be proud of myself. Be myself and don't be afraid. I can't focus on my lack of achievements or disappointments in my life. Instead I choose to focus on self improvement and self acceptance. I choose to be a happy human being and help others with their setbacks, because we all have struggles and we should help each other. I choose to be a conscious human being and I want to learn more about this world, things happening in the world, get to know the people around me. I want to learn more about everything, because I care. That's all I want to be in life: a caring human being. 

Now I am year older and I hope I'm a little wiser. I hope to go around the sun again, because I want and need to be part of this beautiful world. I'm so grateful and moved by life and the universe. Thousands of years of human existence and millions of years of stars. We're made of stardust. I am stardust. I am alive. To another 365 days. Thank you. ∞

You are full of the world.

"The moment you realize that your bones are made of the same dust of the planets. Your lungs are breathing the same air as the migrating butterflies and your blood is pumping because of the love and care of thousands is when you realize that you are not as broken as you think you are. You are full of the world." ― Unknown

Thank you universe

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Wednesday, October 21st, 2015

I am absolutely buzzing from the fantastic news. My visa renewal was finally approved and the moment I found out, I bursted into tears. Tears of joy, ecstasy, sadness, frustration, anxiety. The last few months have been the happiest and most anxiety-ridden days of my life. I experienced all kinds of emotions, it was truly a bumpy ride. But today I confidently say that I belong here. New York and I are meant to be and I have the universe to thank.

I want to thank my friends and the people who have helped me along the way. These last few years have really shaped who I am. Words aren't enough to express my feelings of gratitude to you. I am beyond happy and I just wanted to share this good news with you.

Am I dreaming? I hope not, because this feels so right. Thank you universe. ∞

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Future

Prologue: Saturday, October 26, 1985


Doc Brown: Marty! You've gotta come back with me!

Marty: Where?

Doc Brown: Back to the future.

Doc opens a trash can.

Marty: Whoa, wait a minute, what are you doing, Doc?

Doc Brown: I need fuel. Quick. Go ahead, quick. Get in the car!

Marty: No, no, no, no, no, no, Doc. I just got here, Jennifer just got here, we're gonna take the new truck for a spin.

Doc Brown: Well, bring her along. This concerns her too.

Marty: Whoa, wait a minute, Doc. What are you talking about? What happens to us in the future? What, do we become assholes or something?

Doc Brown: No, no, no, no, no, Marty. Both you and Jennifer turn out fine. It's your kids, Marty. Something gotta be done about your kids!

Marty: Hey, Doc, you better back up, we don't have enough road to get up to 88.

Doc Brown: Roads? Where we're going, we don't need... roads.


Today is October 21st, 2015 and we're here. We made it to the future.

The years shall run like rabbits

As I walked out one evening,
   Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
   Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
   I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
   "Love has no ending.
"I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
   Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
   And the salmon sing in the street,

"I'll love you till the ocean
   Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
   Like geese about the sky.

"The years shall run like rabbits,
   For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
   And the first love of the world."

But all the clocks in the city
   Began to whirr and chime:
"O let not Time deceive you,
   You cannot conquer Time.

"In the burrows of the Nightmare
   Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
   And coughs when you would kiss.

"In headaches and in worry
   Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
   To-morrow or to-day.

"Into many a green valley
   Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
   And the diver's brilliant bow.

"O plunge your hands in water,
   Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
   And wonder what you've missed.

"The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
   The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
   A lane to the land of the dead.

"Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
   And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
   And Jill goes down on her back.

"O look, look in the mirror?
   O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
   Although you cannot bless.

"O stand, stand at the window
   As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
   With your crooked heart."

It was late, late in the evening,
   The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
   And the deep river ran on. 


As I Walked Out One Evening by W.H. Auden

Serendipity

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." – Epictetus

The universe is stirring up something, but it's good. It feels right. There's magic brewing in the pot. I feel the electricity in the air. Feeling grateful. Being positive. Staying optimistic. There is hope.

The Moon Song

I'm lying on the moon
My dear, I'll be there soon
It's a quiet and starry place
Time's we're swallowed up
In space we're here a million miles away

There's things I wish I knew
There's no thing I'd keep from you
It's a dark and shiny place
But with you my dear
I'm safe and we're a million miles away

We're lying on the moon
It's a perfect afternoon
Your shadow follows me all day
Making sure that I'm
Okay and we're a million miles away

Motivation Monday

"Tell me how you're feeling!"

"Fantastic! Terrific! Great! Oh yeah! Strong! Deuce! Baby! Sucker! I feel wonderful! Right on! Right on! Right on! Deuce! Deuce! Deuce! Deuce! DEUCE! Oh wha wha! I feel great! I feel great! Oh wha wha! Let's kick some ass! Kick some ass! Who's number one? We are? Who's number two? Who cares?!"

I'm not sure when was the first time Chris Pratt shared his coupon salesman story, but he has told this story multiple times. Nevertheless, I enjoy kick-ass morning chant! Be motivated. Stay focused. Don't get tired. Enjoy the hustle. Don't give up. Never quit. Go go go!!! #MotivationMonday

#NationalPoetryDay

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas

Logophilia

"I cry very easily. It can be a movie, a phone conversation, a sunset - tears are words waiting to be written." ― Paulo Coelho

I'm a writer. I love words and language. I love the nuances of words. I love the concept of constructing sentences to convey a message, an idea, a thought, a tone, an emotion. Words have the ability to mesmerize us. How did language begin and develop over time? How did words eventually evolve into human expression and not just a form of communication. How did humans acquire language at the beginning with no reference?

Languages have evolved and diversified over time. Just compare medieval English to modern English. We have words like 'bae' and 'fleek', which are not technically real words, since they have the red squiggly line underneath to signify they're not real! Language is really just a form of human expression and experience. With the ability to understand language, we experience life in a social context. Since childhood, we learn to develop our cognitive and language skills in preparation of life. Without language, it would be a vastly different experience. We'd be like the cavemen.

When you think about it, what would it be like if you couldn't speak (watch Samantha Morton's performance in Sweet and Lowdown) or read (spoilers alert: watch Kate Winslet in The Reader)? What if you're blind, you would have to learn to experience words through braille. And if you're deaf, you'd experience communication through sign language. Regardless, part of the human experience is to learn to communicate and through communication, language was developed. Etymology is so fascinating.

At one point, I thought about studying linguistics. I had a knack for languages, especially foreign languages. I really enjoyed my liberal arts classes in college. I studied Western Civilization and learned that Cuneiform was the first known form of written language. Cuneiform dates back to 31st century B.C.E to 1st century C.E. It is read from left to right. But then why is Chinese read right to left across the page and up to down? How did people make these decisions?

Then I think about how animals communicate to each other? Can different species of animals understand each other or do they have to be the same species? Do different breeds have different dialects or accents? There are studies of animal communication and just to satisfy my curiosity, I'd have to look into this subject. Apparently, there is a lot of sniffing and smelling involved.

Final thought: How did words eventually become imagery and get translated onto the screen? Through the magic of filmmaking, that's how. I hope you enjoyed my midnight ramblings. I know I enjoyed sharing my random train of thoughts with you.

The Piano Guys

This rendition of the Jurassic Park theme brings me to tears. Of all the John Williams' scores, I find the Jurassic Park to be closest to my heart. It makes me feel like I experienced Jurassic Park, like I was there. I think being a child when the film came out definitely enhances the nostalgic quality of the score, yet it has such a timeless quality. The simplicity of the piano and cello really adds something really special to the music. I'm so thankful to have grown up as a child in the '90s, what a great decade.

Credit goes to Caro for introducing them to me on a blissful Saturday night. I just love discovering these amazing talents in all creative fields. I love the absolute delight when you hear, see, watch, feel something that moves you to the core. That's why I have #whyislifeworthliving as an outlet to share them with you. Sometimes songs get overplayed or a movie is over-watched or a painting just doesn't seem to have the same magic anymore, but I find that it's necessary to find new things to inspire you and then go back to those works of art. You'll rediscover the magic. Enjoy the magic.

http://thepianoguys.com/
https://www.youtube.com/user/ThePianoGuys

About Time

You can't chase time. You can't make more of it. Cherish time as it happens. Cherish life, because tomorrow may be another day, but today is the day you're living it. Thank you universe, I love you. I had a great day. Hope you did too, wherever you are. It's about time to be grateful to be a part of the universe. Thank you to the memories of Philadelphia, November 2014. They are buried deep in my heart. I will always remember those times.

Image Credit: NASA/Hubble Telescope
Interstellar (2014)
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Music by Hans Zimmer

If This Isn't Nice, I Don't Know What Is.

Dear Allison,

I'm so grateful to make new friends with people I admire. Thank you for your inspiring work. Thank you for reciprocating and wanting to be friends with me. It is such a daunting concept. Just because you admire someone and want to be friends with them doesn't mean they want to with you! I really try and cherish the friends I make, because in this world, you will come across nice people, mean people, horrible people and evil people. It's nice to meet some nice people. Regardless, I try to be nice to everyone, because I think it's my duty to be kind. As a human being, I care about people. I care about family and friends, I even care about strangers on the other side of the world.

I can't help but want to be kind to people, because it's my small way to give back to the universe. Therefore, this quote is very meaningful to me. In fact, Caro introduced this Kurt Vonnegut quote to me when we were watching the sunset over the Hudson River a few months ago. It was truly such a beautiful day. It was also one of the most stunning sunsets I've ever seen with my eyes. The sky was glowing, as the sun peaked through the clouds. It wasn't one of those colorful sunsets, but the lighting was so mesmerizing. I will never forget that moment. Definitely a core memory.

I'm so happy to meet lovely people! I think we share a similar sensibility about art, literature and aesthetics. But we just met, so I'm looking forward to getting to know her through her work and creative projects and endeavors. Please check out her Etsy and Instagram and get ready to be inspired.

And I urge you to please notice when you come across lovely people, in real life or online, to say hi! Because you'd be surprised, people are nice!

Yours Truly,
Avalonne

http://www.allisonsabrie.com/
https://www.etsy.com/shop/AllisonSabrie
https://instagram.com/allisonsabrie

Limehouse Blues

I'm absolutely in awe with Dick Hyman and Howard Alden's version of Limehouse Blues arranged and performed respectively for Sweet and Lowdown. Although, some people have criticized Sean Penn's faux guitar playing for being poorly synchronized with the music, but I truly appreciate the effort and months he practiced for the role. Moreover, the scene where Emmet is lowered on a sparkling crescent moon still makes me laugh so hard. What a grand and foolish idea it was! Absolutely hilarious performance from Sean.

This delightful week was filled with gypsy jazz. I think I'm subconsciously getting ready for the Winter Jazzfest Preview Showcase. On Monday, I went to Gansevoort Park Avenue to watch Stephane Wrembel (Midnight in Paris composer), but he wasn't present, his band played his music and other classic gypsy jazz music. Then I re-watched Sweet and Lowdown and fell in love Django Reinhardt all over again and then I went to Bosie Tea Parlor where they played French and gypsy jazz to suit the mood. I'm going to stay in all weekend and watch European films, read and listen to jazz and classical music.

Hurricane weekend with Bergman, Fellini, Coelho, Reinhardt and Mahler.